Sweet potatoes – thank you for joining me for this month’s edition of Tell Us About 11.2024. Our November prompt comes to us from our leader and organizer and graphic image creator, Gail, at Is This Mutton? who suggested we write about confidence. Or perhaps, a lack thereof?
Tell Us About
Tell Us About (TUA) is a global writing challenge where bloggers from all around the planet respond to a different prompt on the third Thursday of each month. I joined the group early in 2023 and so have been writing them for over a year. Responding to these prompts always has me searching for my thinking cap!
You can find my other TUA posts here:
Tell Us About –
- Play
- Scent
- Gardens and Gardening
- Ways I’m a Curiosity
- Travel
- Imagination
- my theme choice for September, Legacy
- Hometowns
- Laughter
- Music to my Ears
- Beauty in my World
- Blah-blah-blogging
- Vacations: That Trip with the Tick
- A Few of my Favorite Things
- School Days
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Please find the places and posts where I link-up on this page.
Tell Us About 11.2024
Not going to kid around, this was a toughie tough tough one for me to write. In fact, I thought about it for at least a week before taking pen to paper or fingers to keyboard as is the case today. When I started this blog, I envisioned sharing successes, lesson plans, tips of the trade for being an elementary school librarian. I had loved my profession and it was probably the one area in my life where I fairly consistently felt confident. Lord knows, I had blown 2 marriages, made at least a million mistakes raising my daughters, been a less-than-perfect daughter. But I was a good librarian. Even when my marriage(s) were falling apart, my parenting skills were missing the mark and I had disappointed my parents…again.
When I retired, all of the confidence I had earned from 25 years on the job, went down the drain. I was no longer Leslie the Librarian, as I was known on my campus and across the district. The one thing I had been pretty darn good at was gone. I had oodles of empty hours to fill and nothing with which to fill them. Now what was I supposed to do?
According to Google, Reddit, Quora and everyone else who is wiser than I, confidence is not an inherited trait, it is something developed. Like a skill. They report that ‘people’s self-confidence is mostly informed by their environment and experiences, but genetics does play a small role.’
My Genetics
I think it is safe to say I come from a long line of less-than-confident folks. My parents were both the first in their families to attend and graduate from college. My father was the first to get an advanced degree and would probably still be the only one in the fam with a PhD. His mother did graduate from high school but his father dropped out of school in 3rd grade and ran a gas station. My mother’s mother also graduated from high school but Mom’s father didn’t get beyond middle school and worked in a shoe store. And not to say that someone without formal education cannot be confident. But I think confident people have something they are good at. A skill – beyond the skill of being confident. They are musical, athletic, well-read, successful entrepreneurs, have a wealth of life experience. There is something that they are more competent at than the average Joe/Josie.
My mother had excellent grades in school and was very intelligent. And she would tell you so!! She was athletic and musical and well-read (for a Ozark mountain girl). My father had a quieter confidence. He was the high school quarterback, also musical, had good grades but had to work harder for everything than my mom. In the end, I think my mom was content with her life, my father had regrets and unfulfilled dreams. And my mother was more confident than my father.
Little Girl Me
I think my parents had big aspirations for me, their oldest daughter. Not sure exactly why. Maybe just that I was their first born? But it went beyond that. They had me tested at an early age and according to my scores, I was permitted to start school at 4 years old. They exposed me, and later my siblings, to all the things – books, music, experiences, travel (within the U.S.). But I never seemed to measure up to their expectations. My grade average was probably a solid B. Mom liked to say I either liked a class and made an A or really, really disliked a class and failed it. I played the piano reluctantly. Could draw and paint a little. Had several years of instruction in ballet but was too timid, lacked the confidence to participate in recitals. I was the cheerleader who was scared to cheer, the waitress who was scared to approach customers for their orders.
The summer after graduation when my mom took me to pick up my high school transcript, we realized I graduated 5th in a class of approximately 475 students. I was shocked to see that written in black and white. But my mom was quick to point out that I had taken easier classes in my senior year and that was undoubtedly the reason I ranked so high.
When I was accepted into a small, private college in Memphis – ranked 7th in the nation at the time for its science department – as a biology major (premed), my mom wasted little time reminding me that it was because my father could pay the tuition for the school and not anything I had done on my part, that was accepted at Rhodes College.
My childhood did not instill much confidence in me.
Grown Up Me
Confidence didn’t come to me often as an adult. My daughters’ father was controlling, verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. He didn’t allow me to do anything (go shopping, have lunch with a friend, go to the pool) and made certain we were assigned then reassigned by the U.S. Army to live in the Republic of Panama away from everyone and everything I had ever known. I was forbidden to go anywhere without him and would even ‘get in trouble’ for sitting on the front steps of our apartment talking with neighbor women. For most of our marriage, I was not permitted to work. And I was made to care for numerous of his young cousins who came to visit from the interior of Panama for weeks at a time. Nothing I ever did was good enough for him. I wasn’t a good enough mother, I never ever made the rice and beans right, and I looked like “a damn dog” all our married life.
I will never forget one time when my ex-husband’s cousins was visiting. We all attended a carnival where we ran into someone with whom he worked. His colleague looked at the cousin and asked if she was my husband’s wife, the mother of my 2 children, and my ex-husband replied ‘no, but he wished she was.’ And then pointed to me as his wife. In front of my daughters. I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
Take Control
When we FINALLY received orders to return to the States, for El Paso, I began taking steps to take control of the lives of my daughters and me. As we were struggling enough financially to be food stamp eligible, he agreed to allow me to start working. Ten years after graduating with my degree. That was when I became a school librarian. It was a wonder I was hired. You may remember the recent post entitled “School Days” I wrote about that journey for another Tell Us About prompt. In that piece, I shared a number of incidents that both contributed to and were detrimental to my confidence.
Divorce
When I called to tell them I was getting a divorce from my daughters’ father, I had to recount details of our marriage that I had never shared with them before, to include abuse. They suggested how hard it was for a single mother to work fulltime and raise children. That I could move home but only for a short time and that they would only help with my girls for a couple of weeks before I would have to find other arrangements. Their advice was to try to make my marriage work. Try harder. I divorced him and found a way to do it on my own.
Career I Loved
And when I was one of 5 finalists for Teacher of the Year in our school district, my parents were unable/unwilling to come to El Paso for the dinner and TOY announcement. I felt like I had finally, finally done something right, worthy of their praise – at least in most people’s eyes – and my parents were not there to celebrate with me. I know they were proud of me but from my perspective, nothing I did measured up.
Retired Me
How’s my confidence now that I have been retired for 10 years? Depends on the day, the hour, the minute. The void left in my life after I retired has been filled with lots of activities. I struggled for the first 2 or 3 years to figure out what I was supposed to be doing in this season of life. But as I wrote in this post about boredom, I am never ever at a loss for something to do.
Do my day to day activities in retirement bring confidence to my life? There is nothing really that I do these days about which I am especially confident. Not confident about my looks, my figure, my intellect, my housekeeping or culinary abilities. I often question if anything I write about here or in my creative writing is worthwhile. Never even feel confident about my scrapbooking or crafting projects.
All of this is kind of sad, I guess. I wonder what I might have accomplished in my life had I been more self-assured and confident. Would I do anything differently if I could change things now? Probably not. But I have had a wild, crazy ride.
Love
When it comes down to it, the only aspect of my life I might be confident in is my love for family. I love fiercely. And I give of myself without reservation to those I love. Of course, my love is not perfect. As I said above, I made plenty of mistakes ‘mommying’ my daughters. Still do. I love PC without reservation but I can be a Tasmanian Devil personified. Bless his heart. Somedays I don’t make loving me very easy for him.
Are there days when I am unkind, impatient and a real trial to live with? You betcha. But I don’t think Paul ever doubts I love him. Nor do my daughters or my grandchildren. I love big.
Britannica Dictionary defines confidence this way.
a feeling or belief that you can do something well or succeed at something
Bottom Line
or take away in all of this…my parents did the best they could do. They were wonderful parents who loved and provided well for their children. But they grew up in a time when parents didn’t dote on their children. Mom and Dad never received elaborate praise. My mom was just sure of herself and for good reason. My dad was less so but accomplished so much. I never doubted they loved me, I just always felt I fell short of their hopes and expectations for me.
Even my exhusband – never raised with praise or support. He never knew his father. And while he could have done much better, he never had anyone model a healthy marriage for him.
Bottom, Bottom Line
I think I love well. I’ve succeeded at love and at life. And I love my life.
The Tell Us About Gals
Before heading out to their blogs, here are the summaries of the girls’ posts below.
- Gail from Is This Mutton is a shy introvert, but over the years she has taught herself number of tricks to be confident.
- For Penny, at Frugal Fashion Shopper, confidence is an elusive thing for Penny, it’s there and then in a flash, it’s gone. But it does reappear again. Capturing and keeping hold of this thing called confidence is going to be a major target over the next few years.
- Suzy writes about her journey with confidence, sharing how simple lessons learned as a teen—like the power of walking tall—sparked a path toward self-assurance. From dancing her heart out at parties to finding confidence in front of the camera later in life, Suzy reflects on her own growth, amusing moments, and helpful tips for those days when confidence feels elusive. Find her at www.suzyturner.com.
- Marsha at Marsha in the Middle Marsha writes about the confidence she found in the most unusual place.
- Debbie, the host at Debbie’s World, likens confidence to boldness and reminisces about her YEAR of being BOLD. Confidence is something she never thought she had a lot of but perhaps she was wrong!
- Rosie at Rosie Amber has taken a fun approach to this subject with a little personality quiz.
- Anne, who comes to us from her blog, Spygirl, mustered the confidence to pose nude at age 68!
- Jill, who blogs at Grown-up Glamour.
- The host of MK’s Adventures in Style, Mary Katherine is traveling but rejoin us in the new year.
Your Turn
Thanks for popping in. It’s a 2-post Thursday so hope you will check out my Ageless Style post, too. Enjoy your weekend, friends. Make some memories and have some fun.
Hugs and kisses,
Hi Leslie – I think most of us in our 50’s and 60’s struggle with self-confidence issues, we learn how to appear confident if it’s needed, but underneath a lot of us are seething masses of insecurity. Something I’ve noted over recent years is the number of people who are overtly confident and quite open about sharing their opinions, but have no substance under all the bluster. It’s like they’re blinkered to their own shallowness. Based on that, I figure that those of us who overthink everything and carry so many questions and doubts, are often coming from a place of deeper introspection and self-awareness. Give me someone like that for a friend any day over the loud, outspoken showmen. x
Sweet Leanne, it was hard for me to write this confidence post and even harder to come back and read the comments left for me. I don’t know why I am that way but I always feel so shy or uncomfortable reading the comments. Like I am not worthy of the kind words.
I agree, I think many of us, many bloggers even, are lacking in self confidence. In a book I read recently several of the characters felt invisible. And I think many women our ages feel invisible and unheard. And that doesn’t promote confidence.
Just thankful for family and friends who still see and hear me and love me!!
Leslie, this post breaks my heart. I THINK of you as an accomplished, professional woman who went out and did all the things at the highest level. You were Teacher of the Year, and I don’t think many librarians receive that accolade. At the same time, I can absolutely relate. School always came easily to me. I didn’t really have to work hard at any subject except sometimes math. But, I took glee club my freshman year and got a B for the first semester. When I was a Senior, and Valedictorians and Salutatorians were being announced, I was the only Salutatorian. There were five or six Valedictorians. They had taken several music classes that cancelled out their low grades in Math (like they got Cs and I got As). But, because their schedules and the whole set up allowed them to take so many music classes, they had extra class grades to cancel out the math…does that make sense? My mom, who had never done much of anything regarding my grades or schooling, marched right into the principal’s office and asked why I wasn’t a Valedictorian as the handbook said summer school (which I’d taken and gotten an A) should have cancelled out that B. The problem? That policy didn’t take effect until the class after mine. She was livid. I also wasn’t invited to be in the National Honor Society which rankles to this day. I wasn’t able to pin my daughter (my sons didn’t care one iota for it and didn’t complete the application). I also was supposed to be a Girls State attendee when another girl’s parents complained that my dad wasn’t in the organization that sponsored it. Well, no, he wasn’t. He was actually buried at that time. My mom did go to bat again for me, but to no avail. All the rest of my life, though, I felt like I wasn’t quite who my mom wanted me to be. I think it was that generation. They didn’t receive the public demonstrations of love so they didn’t realize the value. Just know, my dear friend, I think you are simply the best (to quote the late great Tina).
https://marshainthemiddle.com/
Sounds like we had some similarities in our childhoods. Glad your mom went to bat for you. Even though the policy rectifying the issue that kept you from being a Valedictorian wasn’t in place until after you graduated. I would think in the instance of Girls State it was almost a conflict of interest for the child of someone in the sponsoring organization to have a child going. Kind of like if I agreed to be on cheerleading sponsor but my daughters had to be on the team. I am sorry you were knocked out of those experiences. Did your mom work outside of the house? I have forgotten.
I agree, our parents weren’t raised on a healthy doses of praise. Probably to the contrary, they received very little praise. When my daughter was playing soccer she was on a league where everyone received trophies and there were no winners or losers. I think for very young children, that is okay. But as children get older they need to learn to win or lose gracefully. And when they are knocked down, to get up and try again. Just like with everything else – praise in moderation?? However, to this day, I tell my daughters just about everytime I talk with them how much I love them and how beautiful they are, how proud I am of their hard work. Might be overdoing it a little but I think maybe they are somewhat more confident that I was at their age.
Oh Lesley – you’ve had such a tough time. I thought we were rather similar as I have never really had much confidence and like you had rather challenging parents who did their absolute best but did not install any confidence in my abilities or myself whatsoever. But I do understand them and why and where it all came from. However, you’ve had a much much tougher time than me. Oh yes, so Lesley, give yourself a pat on the back and a big hug because you have achieved so much, really you have. I really admire you.
And don’t you think blogging is just the best thing ever – because it gives us all insights into different lives and different countries – it’s such a positive thing to do. So from across the pond I say, solidarity Sister, you done good X
Penny – confession, it was very hard to write this post on confidence and very hard to read the comments. I don’t really understand why but I always struggle reading the comments left for me. Like I am not deserving of the kind words that my blogging friends leave.
I am sorry that we both had such challenging parents. They did their best and did what they knew to do based on their childhoods and upbringings. And I never doubted that my parents truly loved me. But it was hard being their daughter at times!! And I saw them parent my sister and then my brother differently, so maybe they learned – on the job training with me, their oldest child.
Thank you, thank you for always saying the perfect thing to lift me up and to make me feel supported and heard. Thank you for the pat on the back and especially the big hug as I love a warm hug better than anything.
Oh my goodness, you haven’t had an easy ride have you? What a shame you didn’t get the encouragement and support you needed. I absolutely love the card your student made, I hope that made you realise that your hard work and dedication was appreciated 😊
Oh Leslie, what a heart breaking story. I can understand why confidence was scarce during your childhood. Why do some parents diminish their children’s achievements? It didn’t happen to me but it happened to my mom. My grandma was afraid she would become vain or bigheaded, so she would tell her she was nothing special. I’m so glad you became confident and happy as a school librarian. It shines through. Retirement causes a bit of an identity problem for many of us. One minute we feel at the top of our game, the next we are trying to find meaning and fill the days. I loved your frank and brave post. Great writing! This is the reason I started the challenge.
I’m so sorry to read about your past life. Your ex-husband sounds awful. I can’t even imagine experiencing those types of things. Parenting has changed so much over the years. Yes, our parents generation and the generation before were very much like you describe, but now I feel the pendulum has swung too much in the opposite direction with this “gentle parenting” stuff going on. I witnessed a “gentle parent” at a playground recently and I almost died from disbelief. Her son was misbehaving so badly, and even screamed at his mom, and she APOLOGIZED to him. It was crazy. Anyway, one thing you do have to be confident about, and you did mention this, is how much you love on people, you are always so kind and thoughtful with your words and you genuinely care for others. That is such a rare gift.
Oh, I hear you about the gentle parenting. I feel like I must have been the worst mom because I was a screamer and a spanker. But then I look at the well-behaved, hard-working, kind women my daughters turned out to be and I think I must have done a little something right. Both of my daughters handle their children with kid gloves until they can’t take another minute. Then they start screaming just like I did!!
Thank you, Amy for the kind words. It was very hard for me to write this post and then hard for me to read the comments, too. Your words warmed my heart and I will keep them tucked in there for difficult days. Thank you.
I wonder sometimes if it is a generation thing… I don’t know… I felt like my parents were always more impressed by my brother and not as much as what I did. It just made me want to show them even more. I love my parents, but like you, they did not help my confidence. I actually think once I moved out, it was easier! I love that you took control of your life and your girls and left that rotten marriage. Some women would have stayed in it, not because it was the easier route, but because maybe they wouldn’t know how to get out or didn’t think they would be able to do it on their own. Single parenting is SO hard. But, it can be done. I love seeing all these old photos of you!
Carrie
curlycraftymom.com
Sweet friend, it was very hard for me to read the comments on my confidence post. Like I just wanted to forget I had written it. Thank you for your kind words. I agree, my parents seemed to be more impressed with my borther’s accomplishments, too. My mother loved to brag that he was such a great housekeeper, cook, bargain shopper, hard worker, great father.
Single parenting is so hard. For moms and dads alike. I wouldn’t want to go back to those days. So tough. But we have both survived, haven’t we? And have come out survivors!!
You are so brave to share you thoughts and experiences in life Leslie. I think many more people struggle with confidence than we think. You have risen above some very tough things and you are so strong! I hope you become more confident in all your amazing skills and characteristics!
It was very hard for me to read the comments on my confidence post. Thank you, love, for your kind comment. I feel like I am strong even though I am not confident. Is that possible? Thank you for your sweet words.
What a journey you’ve been on! I’m sorry for those hard things you’ve experienced, and that you didn’t get the encouragement to build your confidence when you were young. But you succeeded anyway!! I do think it’s largely generational, that many parents in years past didn’t think it was helpful to dote on their children, but for many younger parents nowadays it looks like they go too far in praising their children for everything, which isn’t healthy either. I love your gracious and understanding bottom line. I think of you as confident and self-assured, and I hope you feel that way too.
Oh Leslie, you are beautiful, clever, creative, fun, loving and a fabulous librarian. I really feel for you writing all of this and understand to some extent. We were a different generation to today that’s for sure. We were loved but it was shown in different ways and being thought vain and big headed was the worst! I hope you know you are loved and appreciated. These prompts can be hard at times but good on you for writing and sharing these thoughts with us. I love your honesty. Take care xx
Sweet friend, it was very hard for me to read the comments to my confidence post. I hate being so lacking in self confidence. And hate that I have ‘accepted’ some of the things I put up with in my life. You are right, our parents just weren’t brought up receiving compliments and therefore didn’t give their children compliments either. I tried to go the other way with my babies but might have gone overboard!!
Thank you for your very kind comment and your support and friendship. You are a treasure.