Dear ones,
Joining my friend Penny at Penny’s Passion to talk about Caring for Mom While Maintaining Her Dignity as a part of the Thinking Out Loud Thursday series. I like this series because it provides an opportunity for me to talk about something I might not ordinarily blog about. It is a way for those of us participating to share our thoughts on a subject or subjects that we are thinking about or worrying over. And for today, I am sharing part 2 of my posts about caring for mom…while preserving her dignity. If you missed part 1, take a quick peek, here. It might read a little like a commercial for geriatric products or worse, like I am trying to say, ‘look what we are doing for our mom!’ Neither are its intended purpose.
We are all kind of in this together. Many of you are facing or will soon be facing the challenges that come with caring for an aging parent or loved one. Maybe something we have learned along our way might somehow help someone else on their journey.
Caring for Mom with Dignity
Until this year, I would have said our 92 year-old mom was a medical miracle. Healthy as that proverbial horse. And most medical professionals would have agreed. Mom prides herself in having all of her own teeth. Has only had 2 surgeries in her life…one on each thumb for trigger thumb! During a recent hospital stay, all of the nurses commented on mom’s great skin. And last trip to the ER, the nurse guessed her to be in her 80s! That is the equivalent of someone thinking I am in my 50s!! How that would make my heart sing!
In the past six months, mom has been diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis, a faulty heart valve, cellulitis, a fractured T-10 vertebra, extensive blood clots in her left leg, an abdominal abscess and mental health issues – bipolar type 2 and depression. And she continues to have irritable bowel syndrome which causes her the most problem of all.
And the symptoms of mom’s IBS have presented us with several concerns to address.
Accidents and Underwear
For about a year, mom has had the occasional ‘accident’ or near-miss with both urinary and bowel incontinence. Poor dear tried to hand wash her panties but was unable to see to get them clean. We tried to ignore the stained underwear draped about her bathroom but grew concerned that she was wearing what would be deemed dirty by anyone else who didn’t know they had been washed. ER staff, doctors, nurses. We talked to her and so she began asking my brother to buy sanitary pads that she cut in two to save money. Mom would wear them when she was going out where she might not be able to make it to a bathroom on time.
Disposable Underwear
But those little pads are no longer doing the trick and we have had to switch mom to disposable underwear, which has been very disparaging for her. The first brand we all thought of was Depends…great marketing on their part. And Depends were what we bought for mom. We had no idea what size to get because they come in S, M, L and XL rather than the usual women’s underwear sizes of 4, 5, 6, etc. We went with XL but have now bumped down to L.
The Depends do offer good ‘containment’ but are not very attractive. I had seen a magazine ad for Always Discreet Boutique disposable underwear and decided to give them a try. Even at her age, bless her heart, mom mentioned that the Depends were not very pretty and liked the color and bit of decoration on the Always brand. Find coupons and offers, here.
[source]
Years ago I read something in a magazine that suggested women should afford themselves pretty underwear. It doesn’t matter that no one else sees it. The most important person does see it…YOU. Buy pretty underwear and wear it as an act of self-love.
Lesson learned: Women of all ages want to feel pretty.
Pads and Panties
With all of the antibiotics our mom has been on lately for UTIs, the abdominal abscess and mysterious infections in her right hand and left leg, mom’s bowel incontinence has been worse at times. Haley, her Senior Helper, suggested we try Poise extra long, maximum absorbency pads to wear inside the disposable underwear. Mom is self-conscious that it might appear she has a rolled Sunday newspaper between her legs but we have assured her it doesn’t look that way. And the pads give her extra confidence to go out without worry. Get coupons and a free sample, here.
[source]
Before I retired, I was beginning to have urinary incontinence. A common woe of elementary school teachers (and librarians?) because they cannot simply leave the classroom when they need to use the restroom. Being rather vain and in my early 50s, I wasn’t ready to try disposable underwear. After a little research, I purchased a pair of Icon panties designed for women who tinkle. They are discreet, attractive and pee-proof. Even wrote a blog post about them, here. I don’t wear my Icons often. But when I know it may be difficult for me to get to the bathroom, I put those puppies on.
Lesson learned: A little vanity is good for us.
Wiping
Mom has a little trouble getting clean sometimes after a bowel movement. Because she goes as much as a half-dozen times a day, the CNAs at the hospital get rather frustrated with having to take her to the bathroom, return when she is finished, clean her and then take her back to bed. During the last hospital stay, I stepped in to help. Mom was uncomfortable having a total stranger have to provide such an intimate level of care. And yet, it was a little awkward for her and for me, when I started taking care of things for her.
Here are a couple of ways I tried to maintain some of mom’s dignity while helping her toilet:
- Staying close but not too close. While mom used the bathroom, I turned my back or stepped right outside the door to give her a little privacy.
- Reassuring her. Mom worried and said several times that she hated for me to have to clean her. She even mentioned how little Lucia no longer has to be cleaned but here she was at 92 having to have me help her. I just reassured her that I loved her and it was no big deal. We all need help sometimes.
- Keeping her covered. Those blessed hospital gowns don’t allow for that much but I did what I could to keep her covered everywhere else while I was wiping her. I talked to her, too, hoping to distract her from what we were doing.
- Encouraging her to try cleaning herself first. Then I could tag-team and go in for a final wipe.
Lesson Learned: We all need help sometime.
And Wipes
Truth be told even I have trouble getting clean some days. Here at home we have switched to using flushable wipes. And I think I have finally convinced mom to do the same. With just a swipe in the general area, a wipe will tend to clean better than dry toilet paper. And cause less irritation. There is some debate as to how flushable they really are, so tossing them in the trash is perhaps a better option in places with older plumbing. But with mom’s history of UTIs, wipes have been a form of preventative medicine, if you will.
And speaking of irritation, with all those bowel movements, there is bound to be some. Flushable hemorrhoid wipes to the rescue. Bonus…these wipes can be used as a vehicle for transporting hemorrhoid ointment onto the right spot. We squeeze a little ointment onto the wipe and mom is able to apply it herself. Bye bye ‘rhoids.
[source]
Lesson Learned: We all want to feel independent. But need to know that there’s always someone in the wings.
Showering
Mom is no longer able to shower herself. When she is at home, Haley provides mom with bathing assistance twice a week. In the hospital, however, no one bathed her. Boo. So, I did what I could bedside and continued to do these same things between showers when she was home.
- Helping her to wash up with warm, sudsy water. Or even shower wipes…larger sized for use all over the body. Mom usually remained partially clothed and I would turn my back while she was washing up. She always commented how good it felt to wash her face and brush her teeth in the hospital.
- Applying deodorant, lotion, body spray. My daughter Brennyn keeps mom in Bath and Body Works body sprays, shower gels and lotions. Mom loves to put on lotion or have me put it on her in places where she can’t reach, like her back.
- Washing hair. This is impossible as far as I can tell outside the shower. Or so I thought. But apparently, Amazon sells no-rinse shampoo caps that are waterless shampoo and conditioner in a dry shampoo cap. Designed specifically for the elderly. Who knew! Mom does wash her hair every shower, and brushes her hair every day.
- Putting on her face. My mom has never worn much make-up. However, she still likes to wear lipstick. I think it makes her feel pretty and dressed for the day. She has a number of tubes in different shades so choosing the right color is kind of fun for her, too.
Lesson Learned: Little things can make us feel ‘normal’ and ‘well’. We all like to smell good and feel pampered.
Getting Dressed
When I was a child, my dad would buy my mom beautiful things from very expensive stores. Lovely lace lingerie – slips, panties, bras. Silk scarves. Leather gloves and shoes and purses. Pretty blouses. For some reason, though, mom rarely wore the things he gave her. Sometimes she returned them for something more practical. Other times she tucked them into a drawer to be forgotten. I don’t know the dynamic behind all of that except I don’t think my mom often felt very pretty. And was always quite frugal.
Now days, mom is quite the fashionista! Not sure what changed but something sure did. She loves getting dressed up in the clothes we kids buy for her, as she is unable to go out and shop for herself. Mom enjoys coordinating different outfits and finding just the right piece of costume jewelry with which to accessorize.
It is difficult for her to stand at the closet with her walker and select her clothes, so I usually show her a couple of different tops in opposite colors…maybe a blue one and something red or pink. Then I have her pick the one she wants to wear. I repeat the same thing with her pants and then offer a couple of necklaces for her to choose from. And if she’s really getting dolled up, some earrings. Mom gets many compliments on her clothes which makes her very happy and keeps us happily buying more!
Lesson Learned: We all like to choose what we wear.
Hoping this article isn’t TMI to the max. Well, actually, I already know it is. But hope it is received in the spirit it was written. Not to share too much information, but in hopes of helping someone else who is caring for an aged parent. My brother, sister and I certainly don’t have all the answers but we do know that when we do whatever we do with love, it is also perceived that way by mom. Even those uncomfortable tasks.
Other Suggestions
When I researched ways to care for the elderly while maintaining their dignity, I didn’t find a whole lot out there. A few scholarly articles and the following brief posts, “Boundaries in Caregiving – Maintaining Dignity” and “9 Ways to Help Promote Dignity in Your Care Home“.
Your Turn
Did you ever have a grandparent or other elderly relative live with you? Maybe as a child, one of your parents’ parents came to stay. What do you remember about that time? We are very blessed that my mom is able to still care for herself to some degree. Although, I keep reminding her I have a first floor bedroom and bath with her name on it!
Hope you will stop by to see what Penny is thinking about today. I am heading there, now, if you want to tag along. Just click here!
Hugs and kisses,
Juhli
I just want to say that you are doing a great job helping your Mom feel as independent as possible and maintaining her dignity while making sure she is cared for. I too had to help my Mom in the bathroom for a while and it was so hard for her although she knew it must be done. BTW, I take antibiotics every day to prevent recurring UTIs and have found that a good probiotic 12 hours later really helps with the bowel issues. Hugs to you both.
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Thank you for the advise about the probiotics. The pharmacist agreed with your suggestion and mom is back on them again. The UTIs have been an ongoing issue for mom and the antibiotics that have been prescribed for battling those infections are so strong. We felt like celebrating when they last tested her and she was UTI free. For the first time in months!
Penny Struebig
This is invaluable information! Thanks for sharing. I’m sure it will help others not have to go through the trial and error themselves. Your mom is so lucky to have you!
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Thank you, Penny. I hope that maybe someone can benefit from some of what my brother, sister and I have learned in our efforts to try to make life better for our mom.
Dee | Grammy's Grid
Such a great post Leslie. I’ve never had to see to the needs of an elderly relative but I know all about Always Discreet Boutique! I use them on occasion for leaky bladder.
Leslie Roberts Clingan
We are all in the same boat, Dee. I am wearing my icon tinkle-proof panties when I am scared I won’t be able to get to the bathroom as soon as I might need to. Thank you for your kind comments and for sharing!
Dee | Grammy's Grid
I’ve seen those Icon panties. How well do they work?
Leslie Roberts Clingan
The icon panties work very well for me. I tend to dribble. And when I do in my icon panties, there is so sogginess or unpleasant odor. I feel fresh and dry.
Dee | Grammy's
Thanks Leslie!
Em D
What a SUPERB resource, Leslie.
When it comes to aging parents there’s no such thing as TMI. Been down that road with one set and mine are still plodding…great stuff here! (Let alone the new things that are being “gifted” to us with age!!)
My MIL was the epitome of old school prim, and all this human stuff completely upended her. Full-bore bowel incontinence ended up being the reason she could no longer stay at home. Just too much to maintain without dedicated help, poor thing. She kept it a secret for as long as she could, but it started to tell on her.
We found a great independent living place that had personal care LPNs and aides available that you could contract with for added services. It was the best of both worlds.
You and your siblings are doing an amazing job for your mom. I’m sure she’s grateful and proud of all of you. You’ll never regret a moment of all your sensitivity and caring.
How wonderful that you are taking her feelings and dignity into consideration at every turn. Great idea about offering opposite colored outfits for her to choose!!!
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Thank you for being one of my staunchest and most faithful supporters.
Your poor MIL must have been beyond horrified with her incontinence issues. My mom has handled everything pretty well, usually with a laugh, but her life has changed because she is so afraid to leave the safe confines of her apartment. She had an appointment with a gastroenterologist last week and we hope that maybe some of the tests will shine some light on what is going on with her.
Thank you for your kind words and friendship!!
Amy Johnson
Even though I believe in the sanctity of human life, reading this post makes me not want to grow very old. I certainly can feel empathy for your mom’s feelings. You take such good care of her. What a blessing you are!
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Old age isn’t for sissies! I have mixed feeling about living as long as my mom has. In so many ways, she has had a wonderful life, even in the last decade. But this has been a very tough six months for her and for us in trying to help care for her. On the days when I get the saddest, feel as if everything in the world is going wrong, I cannot imagine living 30 years longer. But then thinking of being departed from my loved ones and I know I am not ready! Thank you for your sweet words.
Barbara
Thank for all this information. I am only 69 but of health issues I think I will be needing help long before your mother did. I was wondering if a shower stool and one of those handheld shower hoses would give her some more control? I think these are the types of discussions that are best held before you need to know so thank you.
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Thank you for mentioning the shower stool and the handheld shower hose. Mom does use both. When we moved her into this smaller apartment we were afraid her stool wouldn’t fit in the new shower but it does. And makes such a difference. In fact, I am thinking it is about time for me to invest in one for myself. Shaving my legs is such a chore right now.
Thank you for coming by my blog and leaving a comment. Hope you will stop by again.
Dara
It is wonderful that you are taking so much care to maintain your mom’s dignity. It is a great lesson to all of us as our grandparents or parents go through the same things.
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Thank you, Dara. I love mom so much and just want to make her life as pleasant and easy as possible.
Barb
Your Mom is in good hands with her family lovingly providing assistance. You give some helpful tips. I’m 75, so I guess I’m in the aging parent demographic myself. Luckily, no issues just yet, but I know that can’t last forever.
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Bless you, Barb, for reading my post on caring for my mom. I am quick approaching the aging parent demographic myself. In fact, my daughters keep saying I am going to be just like my mom! For the good and not-so-good! Glad you are issue-free. Thank you for coming by and for commenting on my post. Hope you will visit again.
Kellyann Rohr
Listen Leslie, you addressed a very delicate situation very well – head on and honest. None of these acts are easy yet here we are – having to do things for our parents we never imagined. You have been open and honest and in doing so you have paved the way for someone else. You brought up key points that may not be thought of initially and I just adore that your mom cares about having pretty underwear. Aging isn’t easy and some day we’ll be there – I think it is important to treat others with the dignity and respect we hope to be treated with when it’s our turn.
You are a terrific daughter!
xo,
Kellyann
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Wasn’t it so sweet that my mama still wants pretty underwear, even if it is disposable. Bless her heart. She is so much more a fashionista at 92 than she ever was in her younger days.
Thank you for the thoughtful comments about my post addressing care for my mom. I love my mom so much and want to do anything I can to improve her quality of life, to bring her comfort and pleasure. Have been home now for a few weeks and already miss being with her. But thankful that she is doing well.
Anne G
This is such a good post, your Mom seems to be well loved. Take Care.
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Thank you, dear friend. So glad to hear from you! Are you still working these days?
Catherine Pritchard
What a great blog post. I am in the same position with my Mum. She is 88 and can do most things herself at the moment. I struggle to stop helping so that she does most things herself and I help where she cannot do what she wants to do. We are just back from a cruise in the Adriatic. The idea is that she maintains her independence as far as she can, maintains her mobility and can continue to enjoy life. Last year my father died and I never thought Mum would manage. She moved into a flat in an assisted living facility. She does not require carers at present but they are there should they be needed in the future. I order deliveries of groceries and visit every couple of weeks as I live 150 miles away. Fingers crossed this can go on for some time.
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Oh, Catherine, you have set up some great ‘helps’ for your mom now and down the road as she begins to need more assistance. I have thought about ordering groceries for mom through Amazon because my poor brother has to pick up the Depends, the Preparation H and the Gas X for some week in and week out. It would be a nice to give him a little break. Hope your mom continues to do well for long into the future.
Liz Klebba
There is never TMI when it comes to caring for aging parents! Forewarned is forearmed. I’m going to have to look into those Icon panties, both for me and for Mama… You mama is right; it always feels so good to wash up and brush teeth, especially when you are in the hospital. I taught my mom the “camping method” of toothbrushing with two cups of water, and it not only made her happier, the thought of her doing anything camping was a source of giggle. (No A/C? No heat? No thank you! is her motto.)
I know with Mama is was less the lack of privacy, and more the “not wanting to ask again/be a bother” lack of independence. Your tips about staying outside the door, and being the “back-up cleaner” are spot on! I would just say “I’ve not wiped you nearly as often as you’ve wiped me! I’m just trying to catch up…” and we’d laugh it off. I’m blessed by her good sense of humor.
You are so right. Getting old is not for sissies! It’s hard and scary. It takes grit and gumption.
Leslie Roberts Clingan
How I appreciate your comment on my post about caring for my mama. Seems we are experiencing similar times in our lives and the lives of our mothers. My mom, like yours, hates to be a bother and hates to give up her independence, especially to a stranger.
My dad loved camping and my poor mom knew hardly any other kind of vacation because he loved the outdoors so much. We use the camping method of teeth brushing in the hospital and whenever mom is really sick. It works, brings back memories, and makes her feel better. Win-win-win.