Happy New Year, dear ones. Is it too late in the year already to say that? When I was still working, I was always a little ill at ease on that first day back to school after Christmas. Everyone would hug and kiss at that first faculty meeting of the semester and wish each other a feliz año nuevo. I fumbled with the Spanish and the hugs and kisses. I am much better at wishing you happy new year across the Internet where I can type that phrase and send emoji hugs 🤗and kisses 😘.
Before we are too far into 2023, I want to take a few minutes to share and reflect on my first Christmas without my mom. I think those of you who have followed my blogging and life journey for a while know of the struggles my mom had. For those of you who are new friends, let me just share a bit so you have some background.
My mom was suicidal for more than the last decade of her life. Her first suicide attempt came in 2011 as she and my dad prepared to move from their apartment to an assisted living complex. Several years later, just after Thanksgiving, Mom attempted suicide again once more. And was about to swallow an overdose three years later when my brother happened by her apartment and stopped her. Both of these last attempts were triggered by the oncoming Christmas holidays. Mom never cared for Christmas. Sadly, she was in a mental health facility 3 different times in her later 80s and early 90s. And my sister and I made a number of holiday trips to Kentucky to try to assist my brother with our mom.
You may remember my mom died in August 2022. She was 95 years old and tired. We now believe she suffered some small strokes or TIAs in the days before her death. But it was a fall (she counted her falls for years and was well over 100 when she lost track) where she hit her head which caused cranial bleeding and swelling. Even though we knew Mom was living on borrowed time, and in many ways tired of life, her death was a terrible time for us. And my brother, sister and I moved through the end of 2022 on auto-pilot.
The First Christmas without My Mom
This was my first holiday season without my mom. It was bittersweet. I have cried and laughed and cried some more. But I survived. More than survived, actually. Let me explain.
2022 Holiday Kick Off
Did things a little differently this year and it made such a difference in my stress level. That was a very good thing.
A year ago December, my oldest daughter Brennyn gave birth to my grandson Declan. We were with her in Ft. Worth, and I was holding my breath that Mom would maintain through Christmas that year. Brennyn’s pregnancy was normal but Declan struggled to breath immediately after birth. And Brennyn had a uterine fibroid cyst that ruptured a few hours after his delivery and we almost lost her twice. I wrote this post last January with immense gratitude for the lives of my darling daughter and grandson.
This year, we wanted to be with Brennyn, Declan, Mustafa and Cadence for the baby’s first birthday 12.20.2022 and to give thanks for his health and Brennyn’s. That was the kick-off to our Christmas holidays 2022.
Christmas Tree
Not only did my mom dislike the holidays but PC doesn’t care for them much more than she did. In past years, I have tried everything to get Paul to want to help me put up the Christmas tree and the decorations outside. One year I made some snacks and opened a bottle of wine. Sadly, that didn’t make him any more enthusiastic about trimming the tree. So this year, I did it all by myself. Didn’t even approach him about helping me, just asked him to help get down the box from the high shelf in the garage. And I did everything else.
Christmas Baking
I usually try to bake cookies every Christmas. And pies for the Christmas meal. This year, it seemed everyone was trying to watch their weight. I asked Brennyn if she wanted me to bring homemade cookies when we visited for Dec’s birthday but she politely declined. PC and I are perpetually weight watching, so I decide to make only a couple of varieties, Lauren’s favorite and something new – pecan bars that Paul liked a lot. The picture below is from 2019. Lauren’s favorite cookies are the red, green and yellow balls.
The week before Christmas, Lucia and Camila spent a day with me at my house. It was great fun for me and I think for them, too. One of the things we did was bake sugar cookies and decorate them. Lauren brought the girls over and stayed long enough to help me get the cookie dough mixed and the girls started using the cookie cutters to cut them out. I love the look on Lucia’s face. She is sneaking a bite of cookie dough but hoping her mom won’t notice. Cami is getting some cookie dough to eat, too, but she didn’t even bother to sneak.
Before the cookies were baked and decorated, we had dough and icing and sprinkles all over everything in the kitchen and that was just fine. Was tickled at Lauren’s reaction when I got out the cookie cutters. She giggled and grabbed her phone to snap a picture of them for her sister. I keep them in a very old glass canister with a goose on it. She remembered the container and the cutters from her childhood.
Christmas Carols
As we were cleaning up, I asked Google to play some Christmas carols by Pentatonix. I was surprised when Lucia began singing to “Hallelujah.” Then when “Little Drummer Boy” came on, both girls were spellbound. They stopped and listened to the song. Then when I replayed it, they both chimed in for the chorus…”Pa rum pum pum pum, Rum pum pum pum, Rum pum pum pum.” When I retrieved the code to add the video on the post, I noticed this video has almost 300 million views. I bet Cia and Cam contributed at least half of those!!
Now you’ll be singing “pa rum pum pum pum” all day. You’re welcome.
As an adult, I’ve never liked listening to Christmas carols I think because my mom never liked Christmas. She was an excellent pianist and could play anything on the piano but we never heard her play. When I was in 6th grade, my class had to learn a number of carols – even one in German. And while I was terrified to sing on stage in front of the whole school and our parents, I loved it at the same time. Singing with my baby girls was so joyful.
The girls enjoyed the carols so much that Lauren added the YouTube videos to their tablets (they call their tablets ‘blah-blahs). Lucia has a very pretty singing voice and I printed off the lyrics to “Little Drummer Boy” so we could read and learn them together. Cami watched the video over and over. She is so observant that she noticed how the members of Pentatonix closed their eyes at times while they sang the lyrics. Cami started doing the same thing when she sang the carol.
Christmas Shopping
Even Christmas shopping was easier this year. For as many Christmases as PC and I have been married, we have almost always gone to Ohio and Kentucky between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Which is prime Christmas sales and shopping time. Never had the money and the luxury to buy presents throughout the year and save them for Christmas. This year, I started a Christmas Club account with my bank and had over $2000 in it when I began my shopping. It was so much easier to shop with money!!
Christmas Presents
Over the years, my mom was very difficult to buy gifts for. My sweet daddy always spent a lot of money buying Mom beautiful, expensive things. Year after year, though, she would return many of the things he selected for her. Sometimes she would buy something less expensive, sometimes she just returned whatever it was and didn’t replace it with something else. Some of the things would wind up tucked in a drawer or at the top of her closet.
After my father’s death in 2012, my mom took on a different personality. At least to some extent. Mom began taking more interest in her appearance, clothing, jewelry. And buying gifts for her became a joy. She was particularly fond of Alfred Dunner clothing, a line sold by JCPenney and other large department stores.
The photos below were taken on Mom’s 95th birthday, 03.21.2022, less than 5 months before her death. My sister and I bought Mom some Alfred Dunner clothes, but the gift that was the biggest hit was a denim jacket onto which we pinned several brooches. Wish my dad had been able to witness her joy at ‘fixing up,’ laying out outfits, hanging necklaces with each of her tops, selecting the right shade of lip color every day.
Bittersweet
Looking at these photos is hard. Knowing that deep – and sometimes not so deep inside – she was in a lot of pain, emotional pain. She did all the things. Mom would bake bread, and homemade cinnamon rolls and orange rolls. Cooked the turkey, wrapped the presents, decorated the tree. But it never brought her much joy.
This year at Christmas I truly felt some joy. I would like to believe that maybe my mama was here somewhere, in the twinkling of the holiday lights, in the smiles of my beautiful grandbabies. Especially our spicy Cami Jean, her namesake. Mom never understood why she didn’t like the holidays. Had no memory of a particularly hard or disappointing Christmas. I’m sad that celebrating with our family – my dad, brother, sister and me – was not enough to bring her that joy.
Your Turn
Well, this post has taken me forever to finish. The more I thought about my mom at Christmas, the harder it was to write about it and eventually share here with you. Hence the happy new year message at the beginning of this post. Of course, I still wish you a happy new year, even if it is already February.
I tried to find a certain photo from a Christmas when I was about 8 or 9 years old. My sister and I had on Mom-made red velvet jumpers and white blouses and grim expressions on our faces that matched our mother’s. But I couldn’t find that photograph. Instead, I found a better one. The photo below. My second Christmas, 1960. My sister’s first. Look at that radiant smile my mom is wearing. So glad I found this photo reminder that maybe she didn’t disklike all Christmases.
Was supposed to sub today, or so I thought, but when I got to school it turned out another sub had been held over from Friday to take the class. I enjoyed my day at home. Back across the mountain to sub tomorrow. Wishing you a peaceful week. Thank you for stopping in to spend some time here with me.
P.S. After this post was published, my sister texted me with the picture I was looking for. The photo of us in our red, mama-made jumpers. This was taken a few weeks after my brother’s birth early in February. My poor mother looks so sad. She suffered with post-partum depression at this time in her life. I remember she told me that she had no reason to be so sad, had a home, loving husband, 3 healthy children but she really struggled for months after Kevin was born.
Hugs and kisses,
Such a sweet post about your mother and your holidays. I felt like we were sitting across from each other and we were “catching up.” Continuing to pray for you as you grieve!!
What a precious comment. Thank you for warming my heart with your words. I am not a fancy person or a fancy writer but it makes me feel so good to think that in reading my thoughts, you felt as if we were just visiting with one another. Thank you for that compliment.
😿❤️🩹
I love you, my Prince Charming. Thank you for being with me every step of the way.
This was my first Christmas without my mom too. It was bitter sweet. I miss her so much. My mom always loved Christmas and decorated each year even after my Dad died. She came to live with us about 10 years before her death and always had little decorations in her room and in her windows. This year when our children and grandchildren came to visit, we opened the gift and played Christmas games and we were very happy.
A picture of Mom for two years ago at Christmas time popped up on my IPad this morning. Tears came to my eyes. Mom and I didn’t always agree with each other. Actually, we usually didn’t agree with each other. She drove me absolutely crazy with her need for independence. She was feisty to the very end. But I loved her more than she could ever believe. I miss her so very much.
PS: I forgot to say that we all went over to the cemetery, which is less than 5 minutes from here to visit Mom and Dad and lay flowers on the grave. I was so touched that my grandchildren especially wanted to go. They are growing into lovely young people and she loved them so much.
I love this. Wish we could take my grands to visit my parents.
What a void must have been left in your home and your life by your mother’s passing. I am so sorry. Sounds like your mom was at the center of your holiday. Hope with each year, you can still feel her presence in your heart and in your home on the holidays.
My mom was my mother to the end and I felt like I could never challenge her much on anything. After her first suicide attempt, I did write her a letter imploring her to want to live for us. To never ever try to hurt herself again. But in a few years, we were back to square one.
My parents were both cremated which is so practical and ‘cost effective’ but I feel like we have nowhere to visit them. My brother has both urns in Kentucky. And maybe even if they were here with me, I wouldn’t feel like I could actually visit them. But I think it is wonderful that your grandchildren wanted to visit your mom and dad. You and your family have raised them right.
Thank you so much for visiting and for leaving me such a thoughtful comment.
What a complex and interesting character your mom was. It sounds like you discovered and embraced new ways of making Christmas special. I imagine it’s a rare husband who likes helping to decorate the tree. I’ve always done it myself.
Nicely written.
Thank you so much. I appreciate your comment.
I’m so glad you found a happy Christmas photo of your Mom with you and your sister and that you had joyous time this holiday season with your family and especially the little ones.
So sorry about your Mom, but I can truly relate. My Mom reacted much the same way to my Dad’s gifts, and I don’t she ever liked a single thing I got her. She grew up in a very poor faming family during the depression with nothing except the roof over her head. I think she was a truly unhappy woman all of her life. If we ever had a Christmas tree my Dad and I had to put it up and decorate it.
I’m glad you had a better Christmas this past year and I hope all the rest of your holidays will be happy and peaceful.
Iris
My sweet friend, Iris, thank you for this message. I hate that you experienced much of the same things I did with my mom. I hope my children will not remember me for being so miserably unhappy and impossible to please.
I missed mom very much this Christmas, but know she did not miss the holidays. I found the picture you were looking for. Coincidentally it was the only old picture I had in the house. All the others were in the workshop. I think it really sums up her feelings about holidays. She also was in the grips of postpartum depression at that time but I am not sure we really showed. I am unable to post it, but have shared it with Leslie.
I think we go through phases in our life, and it’s hard. Life is just hard when it comes down to it. But then again, we are very blessed. The ups and downs make it what it is, right.
Sending love
XOOX
Jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
PS. I accidentally sent you an email that was slated for my Lesley on my blog. Sorry about that, but you’re welcome to join us if you want, haha!!
I understand how the first holiday season without your mom was bittersweet, but it sounds like overall you had a really nice Christmastime. I’m glad for that. At our house, Big Eagle does the outdoor decorating, and I don’t help with that unless he asks for some particular help. I do all the indoor decorating, and he doesn’t help with that unless I ask for some specific help. He did used to put the lights on the tree for me, but now that we have a pre-lit tree, that is no longer necessary. Love the picture at the end of your post!
Thank you for this sweet message. PC really doesn’t like to even put up the outdoor lights. So we have skipped them all together. I would like to get something I could easily put up and take down for around the porch. I love luminarias so maybe those next year.
Leslie, It was lovely to hear about your mom this way. I hope in time I’ll be able to write and post some memories about my mom as well. I’m not sure when things will hit me. We’ve not really spent any Christmas time together for a very long time, so I don’t think that will be a trigger for me. Right now, I’m simply living day by day.
Woke up thinking of you today, my sweet friend. I am so sorry about all you have been through with your mama in the last few months. I imagine you are just trying to keep your head above water right now. Some days it was all I could do to go through the motions of life. Not sure my mom’s passing has completely hit me now six months later. I reached for the phone to call her on my way home from subbing today to grumble about the kids I had. Sending you big hugs and prayers that you can catch your breath and allow yourself some grace over the next weeks and months.
Oh Leslie, I can’t imagine how difficult this was to write. My heart goes out to you and your family. I’m so glad you were able to enjoy the holidays this past year though!
Thank you, doll baby. I hope that my mama took some pleasure in heaven over the wonderful Christmas we had this year. I am thankful she is no longer so sad and lost.
Oh, Leslie, my friend. The firsts are so hard. The old adage of time helping is true to some extent. My mom has been gone for almost 20 years, and there are days I think, “Oh, I’m going to call Mom and tell her thus and so.” Then, I remember.
I’m so glad you and your sister were able to celebrate that one last birthday with your mom and make it really special.
We began making new traditions when we moved down here (about 2.5 hours from “home”). All of my kids and grandkids are here so we try to get together regularly, but life happens. Kids grow up and are busy. So, I guess we take our hugs and kisses where we can find them, right? Make new traditions, change old ones. We just keep making memories…which are what makes us human.
You’re in my prayers, dear friend.
https://marshainthemiddle.com/
What a beautiful message, Marsha. Wish I could get my oldest daughter to move back to El Paso. Hate being so far from her and her family. But as you mentioned, life happens and I can go a week or more without seeing my daughter and grands who live here across town.
What a heartfelt post Leslie – your mum definitely had some difficult chapters in her life. I hope that now you have had your first Christmas without her and those associated painful memories, subsequent ones will be even better as you create lovely happy memories with your family.
Thank you, Deb. If every Christmas to come can be like this year’s holiday, I will be a lucky lady.
I’m so glad you were able to create some lovely Christmas memories with your grandbabies and to lower your expectations for yourself too. Every holiday can bring so many mixed emotions and we, as a society, tend to gloss over it all with “happy happy joy joy” and it’s such a disservice to those people who struggle during them.
What a thoughtful comment. You are right. My mom and PC both deal(t) with mixed emotions at Christmas. And probably other holidays, too. Lowering expectations all the way around and extending a bit of grace to myself and my sweet husband made the holidays so much more delightful. Thank you for your wise insight.
Leslie I am sure that writing this story about your Mom & Christmas brought a lot of healing to you. Thanks for sharing. It is surprising how memories of our past can taint so much of our current lives, it’s brave to sort through them to stop their power of robbing us of joy. So glad you are making new & more joyful memories with your family now. I too liked the photo of granddaughters helping make cookies, there’s nothing so tasteful as a cookie sneaked!
Haha! Giggled aloud at your comment about sneaking a cookie. Oh, those girls at their weight in cookie dough, right under their mom’s nose!! Thank you for the kind comment. I almost picked up the phone to call my mom today. There’s still such a void.
Oh, Leslie… I am sure the first Christmas without her will hopefully be the hardest and then it will always be hard, but not as hard ( hope). I haven’t lost either of my parents yet, but my dad has been housebound (as I’ve told you) and is just not mentally declining. This was our first Christmas where he didn’t come over to my house and it was just such a big wide open space without out him there… and then I’d see photos on my Timehop where he was there in previous years and it makes me sad. I also feel Covid robbed me of a lot of ‘lasts’ with my dad while he was still a little better than he is now. This post is a beautiful reminder of some of your memories of who your mom was (good and not so great, such as the suicide stuff 🙁 ) and I think it’ll be good to look back on. I’m sorry she struggled so much the last 10 years or so, suicide is SO scary. You were such a good daughter to her and such a good mom and grandma now and I’m glad your daughters and grandkids are doing well.
Carrie
curlycraftymom.com
My darling Carrie, thank you so much for this message. I am in tears. We have shared such similar struggles…you with your dad and me with my mom. I am so sorry your father was unable to be with you in your home at Christmas. I am sure that was hard for you and the kids. I felt like there was a hole or something tremendous missing in my Christmas. In part, it was the heaviness of worry about my mom. But it was also her presence.
I think so many of us feel like we were robbed of precious time with loved ones during Covid. We visited Mom but had to wave to her from the window while talking to her on the phone. One visit we were allowed to sit on the patio with her but with a plexiglass divider between us. And we weren’t allowed to touch her. So sad.
Thank you for the very, very kind words and the years of support. You are precious.
Oh Leslie, what a sweet and sad post. I am ‘glad’ you got to share it on my link up so I could read and understand more about the lovely lady (you!) I know via blogging.
Life is so challenging when we think we are in charge of other people’s emotions and experiences. I have been like this for a LONG time and all it did was make me resentful and angry. I now know if I go into that mode, I am back to old people pleasing ways and stand up to myself remembering I can only change me.
I had very fixed ways that Christmas had to be, until I realised that just wore me out, and perhaps others would prefer I do it more flexibly. So, over the past 10 years I did and have, and there has been far less stress for me.
I think you are showing such love for your family…close and more…and you are one very kind and feeling lady. Sending you a BIG hug across the ocean.
Thank you for joining in this week’s link up for Wednesday’s Words and Pics. Next week I will be in ‘moving house’ mode, so no link up. All being well, the link up will be back on 8 March. Denyse.