Dear ones,
Joining my friend Penny at Penny’s Passion to talk about Caring for Mom as a part of the Thinking Out Loud Thursday series. I like this series because it provides an opportunity for me to talk about something I might not ordinarily blog about. It is a way for those of us participating to share our thoughts on a subject or subjects that we are thinking about or worrying over. And for today, my subject is caring for mom…while preserving her dignity. I think this is going to be a 2-parter so please come back next week for the second installation.
Caring For Mom
As you know, my mom’s health has deteriorated a great deal in the past six months. Thankfully, Mom is financially secure which allows us to make decisions and afford her care that we might not otherwise be able to provide her. She and my dad were savers and planners all their lives. Bless their hearts.
Caring for my mom has encompassed a number of things but my brother, sister and I have no health care training. We just love our mom so much. We’ve had to kind of figure out things as we go. And thank goodness, with the help of the wonderful staff at the Lafayette where mom lives. Here are just a few things we have tried to make life easier for mom.
However, this post is not at all meant to suggest that we are the perfect kids and to say ‘hey, look at what WE’VE done for OUR MOM!’ It is just my hope that if you are facing a similar situation in caring for a beloved elderly parent, that something I am sharing might make things a little easier for you. Or that at least you know you aren’t alone in this chapter of life.
At Home
In January, we made the decision with mom to move her from a 2 bedroom, 900 square foot apartment to a studio apartment in the same facility with little over 400 square feet. Here is a photo taken shortly after we got her moved. In the foreground on the left is a small kitchenette area with a little frig, microwave and sink, which you can see better in the second photo.
The money saved on rent allowed for hiring Senior Helpers and Wheelers Pharmacy.
- Senior Helpers: I have written about this service before…heaven sent. In Lexington, there are 3 tiers of help offered by the Senior Helpers of the Bluegrass. In the past few weeks, we have bumped my mom up from tier 2 to tier 3. She has 2 shifts of helpers each day. With tier 3, mom has help bathing, toileting when needed, light housekeeping and 6 visits a day, which might only amount to a few moments checking in to be sure she doesn’t need anything. Haley and Lakeisha will bring mom her meals when she isn’t up to going to the dining room, and will escort her to activities like Bingo or bridge or physical therapy at her apartment complex. Kristen works on the weekends doing the same kinds of things that the other gals do Monday through Friday. Senior Helpers allow my mom to be independent to the degree she is able and with which we are comfortable.
- Wheeler Pharmacy: The wonderful people at Wheeler Pharmacy offer a program called Home Connection where they deliver our mom’s medicine to her once a week or within hours of a new med being prescribed. They deal with the insurance (PTL), keep up with authorizations, refills, medicines that she is no longer required to take, and new medicines prescribed after each hospital stay or doctor appointment. And mom’s meds are kept in a locked safe (because of her past overdose attempts). The Senior Helpers give mom her doses morning and evening.
At the Hospital
- Because one of the 3 of us kids is almost always with mom at the hospital (except at night), we try very hard to stay on top of everything that is going on when she is there. We try to be at the hospital when the doctors round so we can ask questions and help mom understand what they are saying about her health.
- The CNAs pretty well turn over mom’s care to us because we are there with her. Which is and isn’t ok. We are paying – she is paying – for them to care for her. But we are there, love her, and might be more patient than they would be. However, it puts us in a kind of ticklish position, dealing with her toileting especially. And of course, my brother doesn’t try to tackle that at all.
Caring for Mom with Dignity
So, those are ways we have enlisted help for mom or have ourselves become an extension of the help she is already receiving. Here are a few little ways we have tried to make mom’s life easier when we aren’t around.
Because mom has to use a walker to get around, she has to always hold onto it with one hand while trying to do everything else with the other. You don’t realize how difficult life can be until you deal with physical limitations. P.S. These are not affiliate links. 🙂
- Mom loses things much more easily now. Partially because she is losing her vision due to macular degeneration. Read more about that here. She is forever playing hide-n-seek with her TV remote, pens, the dining room menu, her magnifying glass. We purchased this revolving end table that has lots of compartments and drawers and slots for the things she needs to have at her fingertips.
- We also purchased this armrest organizer. Mom keeps her remote and magnifying glass in here, along with pens, little note pads, and a flashlight.
- This grabber helps mom retrieve items that have fallen on the floor.
- A lighted magnifying glass similar to this one allows mom to still read some things like her weekly menu and some of her mail.
- When we moved mom into her smaller efficiency apartment in January, she said goodbye to her large walk-in closets, coat closet, and pantry. Now she has one very narrow but slightly deep closet without a light. This rechargeable motion sensor LED closet light came to the rescue.
- When mom doesn’t feel like going to the dining room for meals, the Senior Helpers bring meals to her. This chairside table takes up almost no room in her apartment. But it can serve as a dining table or desk.
- Lastly, bathing and toileting have become very difficult for mom. This metal bathroom shelf unit slips beside the toilet and holds mom’s toilet paper, wipes, pads, and disposable underwear so she doesn’t have to dig around under the lavatory for them. The Senior Helpers and we ‘kids’ keep the shelf stocked.
- For showering, mom uses a safety shower chair and a handheld shower head.
- An assembly-free (love those words) bed rail keeps mom safely in bed at night.
With Mother’s and Father’s Day approaching, maybe one of your elderly loved ones could benefit from some of these gadgets for uncomplicating their lives.
Other Suggestions
Because of mom’s small apartment, limited mobility and loss of vision, it is important that everything have a place and get returned to that place.
- Her kitchenette is arranged with everything she uses regularly at eye and waist level.
- She keeps snacks in case she doesn’t like what is on the menu in the dining room.
- Every time I visit, I fill her candy dish with M&Ms in seasonal colors.
- Similar items are corralled into plastic bins or baskets. Her lipsticks, comb and brush in one. Hemorrhoid cream, Desitin, and Vaseline in another.
- My sister put bright tape on her remote so if she drops it on the floor, mom can see it more easily.
- She has one file for copies of all of her hospital reports and test results, and all of that is in a tote that she can grab to take to appointments and follow-ups.
- My brother keeps her vase full of fresh flowers.
- Mom has orchids in her window that she has takes pride in. She has to water and keep an eye on them, which is good for her.
- The clothes in her closet are arranged by color and in the order of the colors in a prism or rainbow…ROY G BIV (red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet). She can find the color she wants to wear more easily that way.
- Her costume jewelry and ‘statement’ necklaces are in plastic bins kind of like fishing tackle or pill boxes. All of the warm colors in one bin and the cool colors in another.
- Appropriate clothes for the season are hanging, clothes for the other seasons are in plastic bins under her bed, arranged by color.
- Mom went from a king size bed to a twin – her choice. The headboard we bought has compartments where she can keep Kleenex, a flashlight, Vick’s, books (although she isn’t able to read now). Everything in the apartment now does double duty.
- Mom still sends birthday and Christmas cards to us and our children and her great grands. She has a notebook with monthly pockets for birthday cards, Christmas cards, thank you, sympathy, and congratulation/wedding/new baby cards. Birthday cards for the great grands are in the March for Lucia and July for Cady pockets. Christmas cards in December, etc. Graduation cards in May.
Mind of Its Own
It is funny that this wasn’t the direction I planned for this post at all. Ooops!! Almost as if someone took over and commandeered my fingers to type something other than what I had originally planned. That being said, I hope this information is helpful to someone! Ha! And the post I had planned for today – caring for mom with dignity – will go live next Thinking Out Loud Thursday, 05.16.2019.
Your Turn
If you have elderly parents or relatives for whom you are helping to care, won’t you share some of your tips with me? There are approximately 47 million seniors in the United States, more than 15% of Americans are age 65 and older [source]. And the senior population will double by 2060. So not in my lifetime, but very probably in the lifetime of my daughters and granddaughters for sure. Care for this growing population is something most of us will have to face as our loved ones and we, ourselves, grow older.
I am thankful my parents were so careful with their money and prepared so well for their senior years. Now, I need to begin thinking of how I can do the same for my children.
Hugs and kisses,
Penny Struebig
There are some great tips in here. I really admire the way you and your siblings have navigated this journey with your mom. I wouldn’t know where to start if I were in this situation with my parents! Reading this has opened my eyes to a lot of great ideas.
Leslie Roberts Clingan
I am so thankful that my brother, sister and I get along so well and agree on just about everything when it comes to taking care of mom. We are especially blessed that she has the financial resources to provide for her own care.
Sue from Sizzling Towards 60 & Beyond
Hi Leslie I can hear how much you love your Mum through your words. This is such an informative post and will be very useful for those facing a similar situation. My parents both died many years ago – Dad 38 years now and Mum coming up to 35 years. I didn’t have to face this issue with them but I did with my parents-in-law. It isn’t easy trying to care for them especially without training and after my FIL died my MIL went down hill fast. I helped her shower etc but it got to the stage after a trip to hospital where the Dr said she would need full time care. The decision was taken, not lightly, to move her to aged care. Now two years later instead of deteriorating she will be 93 in June and is relishing her new life. It has been the making of her and eases our mind to know that she is surrounded by care 24/7. Love to you and your Mum xx
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Thank you, Sue, for the thougtful comments. I have enjoyed getting to know your MIL from the activities you do with her and the photos you share. She seems very comfortable and happy in her new life. So glad you realized when it was time to get her into a full time care situation. We go back and forth about whether mom needs full time care now. Most days she doesn’t but the days when she does are coming more frequently. I am so sorry you lost your own dear parents at such an early age. I know they are very proud of the wonderful daughter they raised.
Retirement Reflections
HI, Leslie – Thank you for sharing the post – and these very thoughtful details. They are very helpful to me as my own mom begins to face some of the challenges that you have mentioned. I’m glad that your fingers commandeered this post and took it in this direction.
I look forward to reading Part Two next week!
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Thank you, Donna. These are tough times we work and love our way through as our parents begin to age and need the same care they have given us as children. Hope your journey isn’t too difficult.
Deb
A perfectly timed post Leslie! We are currently wondering how much longer my mother in law can live independently at home – aged 92 and very proud of the fact that she can still cope on her own. Too proud maybe? Just starting to put feelers out about care packages etc but not easy when she insists she is still perfectly capable. It sounds like you are doing the absolute best for your mum and I shall be re-reading this to see if there are any hints we can copy to make MIL’s life easier.
Leslie Roberts Clingan
We have had to take the proverbial bull by the horns for some things concerning mom’s care. We investigated moving her from a 2 bedroom apartment to an efficiency or other more structured options but when we brought the idea to her, Mom was gung-ho. I think giving our parents choices – just like we did our kids – just like our parents gave us – helps a lot. Then they are making the final decision after we have gathered all the information for them to do so.
Dara
I admire you for doing all of this for your mom. I am sure it will be a helpful post for others in your situation! Happy Mother’s Day to you both!
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Thank you, Dara. I think we all do as much as we can to help our parents. I am just so fortunate that my parents planned for their care and long lives. I have not does as well by my daughters.
Juhli
What a helpful post and great solutions you have found to help your Mom cope with the difficulties she is facing. I would say this post is about helping your with dignity as the more she can continue to do herself the more she will feel like herself. Happy Mother’s Day.
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Thank you, Juhli. Mom wants to be independent and so we try very hard to preserve her independence whenever possible. She is beginning to ask for help which is good as it is coming from her. And not being initiated by us.
Liz Klebba
This is so hard, Leslie! My mom is at home with us, and still quite fiesty and independent, but the role reversal is hard for her on so many levels. You’ve shared some wonderful tips and tools here; I can vouch for most of them! Especially the grabber! When my mother had her heart attack (and other complications) I started a binder for her medical care to make it possible to track her care even if I wasn’t there. The Visit Log section is filled with paper to note every doctor visit, basic stats, and any recommendations from the MD or other health professional. That helped us all know what was going on with Mama, regardless of who was with her for the appointment or visit. It has continued since for all her appointments and has been a HUGE benefit and resource when we’ve had other emergencies. Her history is there, no questions about what happened when, meds list, recent labs, all her MD’s and key: a laminated copy (front and back) of all her ID and insurance cards. It’s great to be able to hand that to the front desk at the ER and get on with the important stuff. (And get it back later!) My mom’s situation has made us more careful with our heath, and like you, about providing for the $$$ later. We just bought my husband a Long Term Care Policy. Now to find me one… The sooner, the cheaper!
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Your binder sounds like a lot of work but such an important tool for your family and your mom’s healthcare providers. I often evaluate websites for usability for a little extra money and recently worked with a company that gathers all of the healthcare information in one portal or place online. I thought it sounded like a God send. But what do you do when you can’t get online…which is the case in the ER every time we take mom. Will look into setting up a similar notebook for her. Thank you so much for sharing.
Nancy W Dobbins
Hi Leslie,
Know that taking care of your mom has occupied a lot of your time recently. This is a wonderful, practical post. Navigating care with respect as our parents age is a tricky, often difficult journey. Everyone’s needs and wants are different, as are their financial situation. I dealt with similar issues for years with my parents.
Thank you for this thoughtful article and I am sure that there are those who will find great value in it.
And kudos to you for being such a great advocate for your mom!
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Thank you, Nancy. I hope my post doesn’t come off sounding like a big commercial or an attempt to get attention for just loving my mom. It has been a hard 8 years with mom since her first suicide attempt and I would never forgive myself if we didn’t do everything we could to make her life more comfortable.
Laura
Your mother clearly raised amazing children and you are showing that now especially with your devotion to her care! You are going above and beyond any mom could hope for! The things you recommended all look really useful, yet easy to find. Thank you for sharing what you’ve found helpful!
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Oh, my goodness, Laura, what a sweet thing to say. We love our mom so much because we were loved so well by her. And she did so much for our father – the kinds of things we are doing for her. I wish we could have cared for him, been there with him more toward the end but he did have mom. Without us, she has no one. Thank you so much.
Kellyann Rohr
Thanks for sharing this Leslie – especially the products you all have gotten for her – I can see the benefit to each. Thank goodness your mom is financially secure and able to use the services. It’s not easy caring for an elderly relative. My grandmother lived with us when I was in college after my grandfather died and it was horrible! My MIL lives in a memory care unit and while we don’t take care of her per se it is so hard to see her deteriorate. It’s good to be able to “discuss” these issues with others!
xo,
Kellyann
Leslie Roberts Clingan
I think watching the memory deteriorate of a beloved family member must be one of the most difficult things. I don’t have personal experience with that but have read that their whole personalities change. I am sure it is heart breaking for your husband and you and the family to see the changes in your MIL. Old age is not for sissies.