Dear friends,
In planning for this month’s Stepping Outside My Comfort Zone post, I couldn’t really think of anything I have done recently similar to the activities in my earlier comfort zone posts. Last month, I tried on (purchased and wore) some super skinny Rockstar jeans. In October, while my PC was out of town, I kept myself busy doing a number of activities solo. Applied and was hired(!) for a new part-time job in July. Back in March for my inaugural Comfort Zone post, I shared how I drove to Albuquerque and home (500 miles round trip) with my kitties all by myself. Talk about an adventure! There was a whole lotta meowing coming from the backseat all 4 hours up to ABQ and all 4 hours back home again.
However, this month, I haven’t driven anywhere solita, or started a new job, or even enjoyed a movie by myself. I couldn’t think of anything I could share. Even thought about ‘forgetting’ to post. But that didn’t seem right either.
And then it dawned on me. My family is currently struggling to help my mom through a very difficult time in her life. Sharing a little more about our experience is certainly outside my comfort zone, but it might help others recognize similar concerns in their own elderly loved ones.
Stepping Outside My Comfort Zone, 11.2018
In March for my first post of this series, I did a little research about the benefits of stretching ourselves and enjoying new experiences has a number of benefits. Doing so broadens our horizons, enhances our creativity, feeds our brains and makes the unexpected change easier to handle.
My mother’s recent mental and physical health problems have been unexpected change for my family, although we have been here before.
First Time
In the spring of 2011, my mother and father rather hastily decided to move from their apartment to a retirement community. They had downsized from a 6 bedroom house in Tennessee to a 2 bedroom apartment in Kentucky five or six years earlier and it had about killed my mother to do so. My father had been in only fair health for years. So much of that move fell on my mother.
By 2011, my father health’s had deteriorated further. And this second move also became almost solely my mother’s undertaking. My father was just not physically able to help her. They had movers lined up to do the actual transfer of furniture and boxes from one apartment to the next. But my mom insisted on packing up all of the valuables herself. And then one evening, after several days of little rest, and several nights of little sleep, my mother took an overdose of her meds combined with a handful of Tylenol PM, scribbled a suicide note and finally fell asleep.
My father found her in time to save her life. She spent about a week in a ward in a mental health hospital before being released to my care. It was a very difficult time.
Second Time
The following spring, my father died of kidney failure. The result of a lifetime taking meds for hypertension, congestive heart failure and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. My mom was very sad but in some ways relieved to not have my father’s precarious health to worry about. For a few years, she was more lighthearted than I ever remembered seeing her. Mom was on the residents’ board at their apartment complex, she played Bridge, Bingo, and enjoyed exercise three times a week.
But in the fall of 2016, she began having issues. She became preoccupied with the strangest thing. Her bowel movements. I know. I know. TMI? Maybe. But we have now learned that this is not an uncommon problem among the elderly.
Without going into more detail, Mom became so convinced that there was something wrong with her, that, possibly out of fear of a prolonged death, she took another overdose. Beforehand, my brother, sister and I were aware that she was teetering on the edge but nothing we tried to do seemed to help. Mom was an extremely intelligent, capable and otherwise healthy 89 year-old. She was a chemist. She knew what she was doing. And she took this second overdose early in the morning when my brother always called to check on her. When she didn’t answer the phone that October morning, he knew immediately what was happening and he went straight to her apartment instead of heading to work.
Mom was hospitalized and checked out from head to toe for several days. The doctors found nothing wrong in her digestive tract and bowels. Sadly, her problems were not physical but mental. We had to commit our 89 year-old mother to a mental health facility, where she was a resident for several weeks.
Mom was stripped of all privileges. She had a room furnished with only a bed and a chair. She had to be accompanied to the bathroom. She had to wear slip-on shoes because she couldn’t have shoes with laces. We weren’t even allowed to speak with her for several days and then only between 12-1:00 or 6-7:00 pm.
It was a long road back to normalcy but by her 90th birthday, six months later, we had my mom ‘back’ to at least a shadow of her former self. The girls and their girls, my sister and I went up to Kentucky to be be with my mom and brother and to celebrate her big day.
Third Time
My mom has failed a lot since the second overdose. She has macular degeneration and retina problems that have made daily life and its pleasures more complicated and elusive. She struggles to hear and see the TV. She can no longer read except for large print books which I send her regularly. But even the tyepface in those is not really large enough. Mom struggles to see the cards when she plays Bridge or the numbers when she plays Bingo. Nothing tastes good. Even dressing for the day, which has delighted her more in recent years than ever before in her younger days, has become more of a chore.
Three weeks ago we began realizing how she was struggling again with the same issues that haunted her before the second overdose. My brother took her to the ER, to her doctor but nothing was wrong. The Saturday after Thanksgiving, my mom called him early in the morning on the brink of taking another handful of pills. Kevin hurried to her apartment and spent some time talking her down. But later that afternoon, mom was hysterical again. Kevin bundled her up in the car and they headed to the mental health hospital where she had been taken by EMS in 2011.
Good Samaritan had a bed open but wouldn’t admit my mom. They referred her to The Ridge, where mom had been taken for treatment after the second overdose. My mom and brother sat on plastic chairs in the lobby for hours waiting to be seen by the intake counselor. Finally they were referred to a mobile intake unit for The Ridge located in the parking lot of another hospital. Kevin packed up my mom at midnight and headed for the mobile unit.
Finally, at 4:00 am on Sunday morning, my sweet brother had my sweet mom admitted to The Ridge where we knew she would be safe from herself. And she is still there as I write this post.
Stepping Outside My Comfort Zone, 11.2018
So, you might be asking, how does this all figure into me stepping outside my comfort zone? My brother, sister and I are working to try to understand my mother’s mental health issues. We are working with the doctors and nurses to try to help her overcome her obsessive thoughts. We have an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening when we can try to talk to our mom by phone. She struggles to hear us, understand us and she only wants to talk about one thing. Trying to figure out this chapter in my life, in her life is out of our collective comfort zones.
In October, my mom was giving me ideas for Christmas gifts, requesting a pair of red pants, new necklaces, laughing at the photos I sent of her great granddaughters and looking forward to my visit in December. Three weeks ago, my mom fairly well climbed into bed, stopped going down for meals, stopped playing Bridge and Bingo. Her life became focused on one thing.
This time next week, I will be in Kentucky. My mom may or may not have been released from the behavioral health facility. But I will be there, able to see her. And hopefully comfort her. And relieve my brother of the sole responsibility for our mom for a bit.
Your Turn
Some of you may have aging parents struggling with physical and mental health issues. Suicide among the elderly is on the increase.
Each year more than 6,300 older adults take their own lives, which means nearly 18 older Americans kill themselves each day. Older adults have the highest suicide rate — more than 50% higher than young people or the nation as a whole. Suicide is rarely caused by any single event or reason. Rather, it results from many factors working in combination which produce feelings of hopelessness and depression. Since suicide for the older person is not an impulsive act, you have a window of opportunity to help the older person get help. YOU can help prevent a suicide. [source]
Ten years ago, I would never have dreamed that my mom would have been where she is today. Maybe by sharing our story, we can, in some small way, increase awareness of this alarming trend.
If you have a comfort zone post to share, please link-up with us below.
Thank you for the prayers and kind messages you all have shared with me in the last few weeks. I have struggled with knowing whether to continue blogging and whether to share our story. It is only in the hopes of helping someone else that I have shared this difficult time in our own lives.
Hugs and kisses,
Mary
Leslie, Thank you for being so transparent on this sensitive issue. All of want to portray “perfect” lives, but that is far from the truth. I know how hard is it to have an elderly parent so far from us. Hoping you have a positive outcome next week for you and your mom.
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Thank you, sweet Mary, for your kind words. My mom seems to be better today, according to my brother after his visit this morning. Anxious to speak with her this evening and to hear some cheer in her voice again.
Juhlin
I am so sorry that your Mom is struggling so and can only begin to imagine the stress that puts on the whole family. Hopefully by the time you see her they will have figured out some way to help her once again find some joy in her life. Hugs to you all.
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Thank you for the hugs, Juhli. Apparently, my mom is enjoying the arts and crafts projects they are having her do. It has been years since she did anything crafty so I am optimistic that our mom is finding her way back to us again.
em
Leslie, I’m sorry for your family’s struggle to help your mom. Thank you for sharing this! I know it will help many people.
If there is a blessing in this story, it’s that you and your siblings are all working together to help her, and that your brother has your support when you can’t be there. From experience, that is key.
It’s so difficult for our parents to find purpose when the loss of vision and hearing make it challenging to simply find ways to pass the time.
Prayers to your family!
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Your comments are always so dear. Thank you. I am touched by the sweet support from folks who stop by here to visit. My mom had a better day today. And we are ending the week on an upturn. She is enjoying some of the craft activities they have had for her and is eating better. Thank goodness for answered prayers.
Debs
Thank you Leslie for sharing such a brave post. My heart goes out to you and your family and I do hope that the professional help that she needs is able to give you all some peace of mind. A very hard situation to be in, and it must seem even worse when you are a distance away.
Unfortunately sometimes when someone gets an irrational thought in their head, nothing a family member can do or say can change that mindset – a few years ago we had to support one of our family who suffered an eating disorder and it was SO hard to try and make her see that what she was doing was wrong. Everyone ended up being upset. Whilst your presence will be a great help, it may be that medication and professional help will get her through this. But getting together as a family is just what you and your siblings need. Take care x
Leslie Roberts Clingan
You hit the proverbial nail on the head, Debs. We can talk to mom all day long about how irrational and inaccurate her thoughts are, but we can’t maker her see that for herself. How did things wind up with your family member with the eating disorder? I was anorexic in high school and my freshman year of college, long before it was a ‘thing’. No one knew what was going on, least of all me. It was also before the days that family counseling was acceptable. I just didn’t eat until finally I did again.
Looking forward to giving my mom and brother hugs in person and giving my brother a bit of respite from all his firsthand worry over mom.
Dara
Thank you for being open and sharing this. Mental health issues are so widely not shared. Depression in the elderly is definitely a problem and hopefully your talking about it can help others. Does your mom take medicine for depression? It is great that your brother is local and can help out so much when she needs him. I sure hope you can get her stabilized again!
Leslie Roberts Clingan
My mom began taking meds for depression after the first suicide attempt. Or, I am thinking before she made the first attempt, in an effort to help her through the move to the retirement community. We worried that perhaps the depression meds caused the suicidal thoughts. She has been on several things now over the years but nothing has quite done the trick. And tinkering with dosages for a person her age is scary.
Thank you for your kind comment. Apparently, today has been a brighter day for my mom and we are feeling optimistic.
Lisa
Oh Leslie, thank you for sharing – and I can only imagine what this is like for you, and for your family. Know that I am praying for your family and your mom!
Leslie Roberts Clingan
You have always been so dear to remember my mom in prayer. Thank you, Lisa. And thank you for stopping by.
Natalie
Hi Leslie – I’m sorry to hear your mom is struggling and the stress your family is experiencing. I hope the health care professionals will be able to help her and provide you all with support. Safe travels to Kentucky next week!
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Thank you, Natalie. Mom had a good day today so we are ending this long week on a high note. Hoping she will be ready to come home when I am there to help care for her.
Cindi
Oh Leslie, I had no idea you were handling such a heavy load.
My daughter’s MIL, just recently committed suicide. She had been threatening to do it for months. She just couldn’t cope with her illnesses anymore. The family wanted to put her in a mental health facility but she refused. She even attempted to throw herself out of the car whenever the family mentioned it. Finally, she was committed to hospice where she passed away a few weeks later. She was 69 years old. Very sad.
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m glad your mom is still with you. God bless all of you.
Kellyann Rohr
Oh Leslie, this is just heartbreaking. I feel for your family. It’s so hard watching someone you love suffer. Your sweet mom, who can blame her for feeling depressed? I cannot imagine a life without joy yet when even the simplest tasks and pleasures are beyond reach it seems possible. I think writing this and sharing was very courageous. So many of us are dealing with elderly parents in failing health and can relate. I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you as you visit your mom. God bless my friend!
xo,
Kellyann