Dear ones,
Do you ever think to yourself that life, your life, is flying by? Weren’t we just looking forward to autumn and somehow it’s now winter (in the northern hemisphere, vice versa for the southern)? Believe it or not, just yesterday I was a single mother, full-time elementary school librarian with a host of part-time jobs trying to keep my head above water and my two daughters in potato chips, prom dresses and Diet Pepsi. Now I am a retired wife and grandmother with a big, empty house.
I started blogging about 4 years ago to fill the emptiness that had become my life after retiring rather unexpectedly from a job I had loved for 25 years. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing with the free time I had so much of all of a sudden. No books to shelve, no classes to teach, no children to hug. And at home, similar nothingness in many areas.
It has taken months of adjustment to get where I am today.
Wherever that is.
Somewhat adjusted to what has been a series of life-altering transitions. Learning to embrace this new chapter. And even thriving most days! Today, I thought I would share with you what I have learned along my way.
Life’s Transitions
In my journey to transition from the world of work to retirement (and now back to occasionally working part-time), I realized that there are steps to accepting change, just as there are similar steps to grieving. In my research, I’ve found references to a 5-step model for accepting change and a 7-step model for working through change. Gavin Webber’s “Seven Stages of Change” resonated with me. Read more about them in his post, here.
I kind of condensed Webber’s seven stages into four of my own. These are the steps I moved through while working toward being more contented with this new chapter in my life called retirement.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
First, allow yourself to feel whatever your are feeling. Not to say wallow in a bed of self-pity forever but if you are sad or angry, that’s ok. In a Psychology Today article entitled “Keys to Handling Life’s Transitions“, author Robert Taibbi explains:
Expect to feel depressed and anxious. Whenever we move forward we leave something behind, and this creates a psychological state of grief, however small. And if the change is unexpected and unwanted…the shock and depression are greater. [source]
Acknowledge your feelings, accept them and then move on. Begin to think positively, approach this transition as an opportunity to rediscover and redefine yourself, embrace new habits toward creating a brighter future.
Reflect
Allow time for reflection. This kind of goes hand-in-hand with not denying the feelings you are having but perhaps allows you to begin to move into accepting this change or transition. In everything I have read, there has been something said to the effect of when one door closes, another one opens.
We have all been through the process of transition before in some fashion or form. Reexamine how you have managed change in the past. Take time to think about how you are feeling – journal, talk to a trusted friend or counselor. Identify where you are going, set goals, and plan your next steps with purpose.
Adjust
Have a realistic time-frame for adjusting to transitions. Rome wasn’t built in a day. There may be days where you feel paralyzed. In limbo. You’ve let go of the old but haven’t fully embraced the new. This is a great time to find a mentor, make a new friend. Talk with someone who has (recently) experienced a similar transition. Attend a meetup for new mothers. Find a divorce support group. Join a newlywed or young marrieds group at church. Keep in touch with family and friends. Ask for advice in handling the recent change in your life. Live in the present and take one day at a time.
And lastly, something that has helped me as much as anything…
Shift Your Focus
Shift your focus from concentrating only on yourself to helping others in need. I think this kind of goes along with climbing out of that bed of self-pity or shutting down the pity-party.
[source]
In an article entitled, “How to Make the Most of Your Life Transitions” in the Huffington Post, Dr. Shannon Kolakowski suggests:
One way to shift your focus is to look at others who may need your help. If you’re at work, it may be a coworker who you notice is having a bad day. If you’re in a prenatal yoga class, reach out to another mom-to-be that seems like she is having a hard time. Making an effort to support others helps you remember that everyone struggles at times, and that human connection can be a powerful aid in helping get through it. [source]
My first year of retirement, I found great healing, solace and a renewed sense of purpose by volunteering at both the El Paso Holocaust Museum and Study Center and at Assistance League of El Paso. But your shift in focus can be something less structured or routine. Reaching out to help another is often even more helpful to ourselves.
Author Robert Taibbi from the Psychology Today article summarizes handling life-changes this way:
Transitions are those unique times when we toss off the old but have not yet stepped into the new. While the circumstances are always different, the skills and attitudes needed to successfully move ahead are always the same, namely being positive, patient, and proactive.
A new journey awaits. [source]
Life is all about changes. We face them every day, but most of them not as significant as the decision to retire. Hope that perhaps you can take away from this post to help you through the next change in your life. I still continue working toward embracing this new chapter in my life. If you are in the midst of a transition period, please consider yourself hugged! Come back again, and we will figure this transition thing out together.
Would like to invite you to visit my friend Sue’s blog at Sizzling Toward Sixty & Beyond where I have shared a guest post on retirement. Thank you!
Hugs and kisses,
Debs
I have a feeling that this post will be very useful to me in the next few months! I’ve been in this job for 17 years and on the whole I still enjoy it, what I don’t enjoy is the lack of flexibility and I know it’s time to go. But I am dreading that last day, the goodbyes and then the lack of structure to my week.
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Oh, Debs!!! I am sad to read that you are dreading that last day at work and the difficult emotions it brings. I avoided that by calling in sick. But my last month was a parade of children coming to give me goodbye hugs and tear stains on my cheeks. Thinking about turning out the library lights on my last day and walking out the door, still chokes me up.
Please stay in touch. Let’s plan some things to blog about together once you settle into retirement. Blogging really helped me through. And volunteering and the fun fashion challenges I did for awhile. Just try some new activities and rekindle your love of activities you haven’t had the time for.
Big hugs to you, dear one.
Saxon
Great post, Leslie. I really needed to read this, today.
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Oh, baby girl!!! Thank you. Hope this post is some help to you. Would love for you to share your thoughts on transitions. If whatever you are experiencing is something you can share. Or perhaps, just write letters or journal entries for yourself.
I am here, if you need a friend. I know you are probably surrounded by friends and family, but sometimes it is easier to talk with someone who is removed, or not as close.
Big hugs to you, love.
Kathy
It is a shock to find ones “Golden Years” to be a bit brassier than expected. I longed for days when I could retire and now that I’m here, I realize working wasn’t the problem, it was working at something that was unfulfilling that was the problem. And yet, having worked since the age of 14, I find myself, at 62, not sure what I truly enjoy. I worked because I needed to support myself and my family. I worked because we needed health benefits for our daughter who had cancer twice, and died at age 18. I worked because we were in debt after her illness and funeral, and because if I didn’t work, I would feel too much. Like you, I retired a bit earlier than expected. My husband had been in a global position for a number of years, and twice had been hospitalized while away from home. After a tragedy, one is always more aware of the shortness of time together, and so, I decided to retire 3 years early so that I could travel with my husband. That plan worked for a year, until my husband was forced into early retirement. Now, I find myself with too much time to think and nothing to look forward to. My life will always be complicated by profound grief, but I want you to know that even though our retirement adjustment may seem like a “first world” struggle, it is a genuine concern to many our age. Sometimes I think we do Social Security wrong in this country. We should get benefits when we are young and need to care for our children, and then when we are older and want to be out in the world, we would look forward to a job. We are really only the 2nd generation of women to move from full-time employment to retirement. We do not have a lot of role models.
Leslie Roberts Clingan
Oh, Kathy!!! Bless your sweet, sweet heart. Thank you for this comment. For sharing the difficulties of your earlier life and the questions you are having about retirement. I am so sorry about your daughter. Cancer is not only a devastating illness but it ruins so many families financially, emotionally. It tears families apart. My sister and her husband, and now you and your husband, are among the few couples whose relationships survived the loss of a child. Big hugs to you, dear friend.
You are right, we don’t have a lot of role models as women in this chapter of our lives. Our mothers often didn’t work outside the home, so didn’t face retirement issues. My 90 year old mother hasn’t worked since 1951. She handled the empty nest business well because we three children left home over an 8 year span so she had time to adjust, little by little. My girls were launched within about two years of each other. And then came retirement and health issues.
You write beautifully! Would encourage you to write your feelings. Journal or come do a guest post for me here!! Or start your own blog. I have returned to doing crafts I always enjoyed but never had time for. And writing, and want to try Bible journaling. I love working jigsaw puzzles but so do my kitties. Haven’t figured out how to fix that problem.
Please come back again and let me know how you are doing. If you are interested in writing a guest post, let me know. My email is mommyhon333@hotmail.com. Stay in touch! Big healing hugs to you and your heart!!
Natalie
Thanks, Leslie, for sharing your experience and insights. When it comes to retirement, especially early retirement, most people focus on the financial planning. The non-financial planning is equally important as it’s how we can make this phase the best time of our life. I’ll visit Sue’s site now.
Leslie Roberts Clingan
I am so frustrated by our Teacher Retirement System in Texas. It is about to go-under. And teachers who belong to TRS are not allowed to collect any Social Security they have earned. We are forced into participating in TRS with no other choice, and cannot contribute to SS. But I have earned enough Social Security from other jobs, that I should be entitled to that money, too. It is absolutely not fair but we have no way of changing things. And with the threat of TRS closing, a lot of Texas teachers are quite panicked.
I never dreamed, until two months before it happened, that I would retire in 12.2013. Never occurred to me. So other than contributing to TRS, I didn’t think about financial planning much. How naive I was!
Thank you for your support. You are a wise woman, Natalie!
Daenel T.
Such a great post. I remember when I started thinking about the prospect of the kids all being out of the house and it was so overwhelming. I mean, The Hubs and I’d prepared for it by dating and just hanging out together, but I missed the noise of having the kids home. The first night everyone was gone, I cried. I was home alone with the dog and I just fell apart. I’m so much better now, but I need to acknowledge that feeling and accept my “new normal.” I wish I’d had this post to read when I was adapting.